


For a Letter in Which May Never Reach You

by mikachan



Category: Attack on Titan, Shingeki no Kyojin, aot, snk - Fandom
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-08-10
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-02-12 13:06:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 10,303
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2111007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mikachan/pseuds/mikachan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In my final plea,<br/>I send my farewell.<br/>For a time I spent<br/>these years by your side,<br/>Never resting my beating heart.<br/>But somehow I got lost...<br/>over time,<br/>I got lost.<br/>For your eyes...<br/>they burn right through me.<br/>For your walk,<br/>the movement of your smile,<br/>I send along my love.<br/>And these years have been my best...<br/>for the rippling I see,<br/>the rippling of the tide...<br/>reminds me of you.<br/>The rustling of branches,<br/>with moths and bones of deer,<br/>I reach across this ocean<br/>for you,<br/>I may find.<br/>I may search.<br/>For that time I spent...<br/>those years by your side,<br/>in this letter in which may never reach you,<br/>I send my farewell.</p><p>After Eren dies, and the titans are defeated, the exploration of the outside world tends to be more dangerous than anticipated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

"Commander!" I shout, jogging across the dewy grass of the empty forest. Erwin turns to me, sheathing his sword. 

"Rivaille."

"All the titans in the area have been taken care of, sir. We are now pursuing a body count."

"I see. Thank you, Lance Corporal."

He salutes me, standing tall in all his glory, his gear almost sparkling in the setting sun. I nod, salute. Erwin Smith is the commanding officer, yet I also respect him for much more than that; is my duty, if course, yet I cannot help but admire this strong and courageous man. I shall proudly continue to take orders from him without hesitation. He is, after all, the man who saved me from the streets. Through the years, trust has been building steadily, for even through my worst, Erwin still stood beside me... believing in me. 

"Thank you." I say sincerely, gazing into his blue eyes. There's always a resounding sadness hidden in those eyes, the mourning seemingly constant, much like the tide in which we have yet to discover. "Levi." He steps closer, the breeze rustling the trees surrounding us. 

"Yes, sir?"

"I know it's becoming harder, but please, I sincerely ask... stay strong... for me, okay?"

My gaze falls downward. He'd always been able to read me so well; like an open book, he turns my pages effortlessly, fathoming my emotions into thoughts not of my own. 

"Erwin... I-"

"No. We can do this."

His reassuring words creep down my spine in a dance of caring vowels. Guilt still looms over my shoulder, for even in his times of pain, he still manages empathy in ways I never could. "Hey, look at me." His sturdy hand clutches my shoulder warmly, his voice softening. "I'm sorry." I reply, angling my gaze upwards once more, my words reflecting much more than meets the ear. 

"I try, Erwin, I really do; you must know this." He gives a slight nod, his eyes closing briefly. 

"I do." 

"I truly believe that with your guidance, the Reacon Corps shall benefit greatly in the future." 

He chuckles, letting my small shoulder free. "I sure hope so, Rivaille." He turns back around as Hanji comes striding towards us, clipboard in hand. 

"187." She reports, referring to the number of recent casualties. I try not to flinch. I can see Erwin's shoulders tense as he subconsciously rubs his jawline, a distant look in his demeanor. I walk over to Hanji, taking the clipboard from her. I read off the names. 

Connie Springer  
Mike Lebon  
Zack Brown  
Jean Kirstien  
Tobi Marshall  
Mikasa Akerman  
Eren Jeager

No. I stopped reading there, looking at Hanji. A knot begins to tighten in the back of my throat. She looks back at me sadly. "Please tell me..." I look back at the list shaking in my hands. "not the kids..." Tears build in Hanji's eyes as she looks at me. 

"I know... I'm sorry Levi..."

"Damn it!"

I slam the clipboard down to the mossy earth, immediately turning away. After everything, and anything that boy's pledged to, he's been stolen from us, just like the rest... My chest tightens as memories of him recreate themselves in my minds eye. He looked up to me; and now, I've let him down... again. "That Arlett kid must be a mess." I say, rubbing my temples, trying to regulate my breath. Hanji lovingly adds a hand to my left shoulder, leaning her forehead against my back. "He was like a son to you." It was more of a statement than a question, but I nod nonetheless. "He was." 

I don't allow for the tears let forth as we stand in the clearing. "How did it happen?" I ask finally, my voice shaking with a desperation that I loathe. "He tried to shift; he didn't have enough time. The titan grabbed him and tore his arm off. Mikasa tried to save him, but they both got thrown..." 

She trails off, knowing how familiar the situation sounded. "The rest of them mostly just got swallowed whole." Her voice cracks at the last word, the wetness of her tears finally seeping through to my skin. I take a shaky breath as I compose myself to face my Captain once more, gently pulling Hanji away. "Your orders, Captain?" 

I salute as they both do the same, the grim atmosphere heavy on our shoulders. "Gather the bodies on to the wagons, begin to round everyone up for the journey back to wall Sina." I salute as they both do the same, the grim atmosphere heavy on our shoulders. A nod is given as we turn to begin the execution of the shameful task as hand.


	2. Chapter 2

"Captain, what do we do?" Eren called after me, his hand poised to inflict harm. "You, Jean, Connie and Mikasa split from the rest of us. Kill all the titans you can find in that area. Eren, don't shift unless you have to!" I replied, strategies forming in my head. That wasn't supposed to happen that way. We hadn't planned for the titans to attack in such an abnormal manor, so, being forced to come up with a plan, I had.

"Levi, up ahead we spotten four six-meter classes."

"Four six-meter classes up ahead," I barked out my orders to the rest of the soldiers left in my wake, "be ready to attack!" 

"Yes, sir!" Was the resounding response, filling me with pride as we're were met with the vermin, easily slicing their necks in a precision only few could muster. 

Once we had regrouped in the clearing, a scream was heard piercing through the foliage. A familiar surge of panic had washed over me as I heard the cry, my chest tightening ever-so-slightly. "Who do you think that was?" Hanji asked, her kind eyes filled with worry. I had hidden my own concern, replying with a simple "I don't know. They would've fired a smoke signal if you were in serious danger and needed assistance."

We continued to plan for the fight.

*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*--*

I give a slight tap to Erwin's office door before letting myself in; an old habit from when I was younger. "Commander." I say sharply, saluting hastily before stepping further into the small room, immediately noting how messy the surface of the desk had become. "Levi." he addresses me distractedly. "Erwin, I need to talk to you." 

He always knew it meant the situation became personal whenever I addressed him by his first name. He straightens up, pushing the most recent work to the side, giving me his attention. "Close the door and sit down, Rivaille." There's something about the way he says my name that sends a thrill through me, and I shiver slightly as I close the door and take a seat on the end of the wooden chair by his desk, resting my elbows on my knees; my hands draped lazily between my legs.

"Erwin I can't do this anymore." He looks shocked, confused. 

"What do you mean?"

"It's way to much... everything seems to be falling apart and I don't know what to do anymore. It was my hasty direction that caused Eren's premature death and I'm not so sure if I can keep this up the way I am." I rarely ever told anyone my feelings, and this particular situation has me feeling no more reluctant in explaining the affairs that web themselves into my brain, but Erwin is the exception... Erwin is always the exception.

"Levi..." He says, pulling his chair closer to mine and gently taking my hands in his. Erwin and I have always been close, but only a little over a year ago did we both realize it was much more than admiration or friendship on the line.

"My words from before still stand valid. I know it's getting harder but I need you to keep holding on; don't slip into old habits."

"That's why I came to you... I need you." I hate expressing, even validating the existence of emotions, (especially my own), but Erwin deserved to hear my words, and so he does. "I need you." he replies, his gaze hot on my cheeks. "Hey, look at me, Rivaille." I do. "I mean what I say. I know it's not easy but you can always talk to me, okay" I nod. Of course I know. Erwin is an amazing and courageous man; who keeps fighting the good fight, keeps protecting the ones he loves... I cannot say the same.

I am not a great or a courageous man. I do not protect, I only seem to harm. It's an age-old story that replays its' self over and over. How someone like Erwin should ever place their faith in my hands I may never know; for I do not fight the good fight. 

"Why do you trust me like this?" I ask, looking into his eyes. 

"Because I love you."

"Don't say such a thing."

"It is true, Rivaille."

"It shoudln't be." I am not deserving of Erwin Smith's love; though my heart skips a beat and my head becomes light. He never shall cease to affect me so, much like how I believe I shall never deserve such a reward as the butterflies, the reassurance of his smile, the warmth his comforting embrace offers...

"I love you, too Erwin... but please, do not waste your time on me."

"My time is never wasted by you."

"Erwin... stop, please." He shakes his head, leaning closer. "I believe in you; accept it, Levi." A pang of guilt resounds through my being, memories of broken bones and crumbling walls fill my mind with their haunting presence. I cannot bring myself to say the words that find my throat, so I kiss him quickly, savoring the feeling of his soft lips and sweet scent, breathing him in in that brief moment alone as the world melts away for if only a while.

"Thank you." I say before my finger lazily runs over his jawline. "I have matters to attend to, I'll come by later before I head home." The intimate moment gone, I return to my hard and stoic self, saluting quickly as he straitens back his chair. "Yes." Is the reply as I softly shut the door behind me.


	3. Chapter 3

I walk down the damp, empty street, talking in the surrounding rain... the atmospheric urgency tugs on my shoulders and my mind propels me forwards, the steady beat of my heart filling my ears. I walk down the street leading to Eren Jaeger's grave; it's a grave in which I've not yet had the courage to face until now. The small patch of grass, outlined in the black metal fence, slowly enters my vision, the while tombstones a morbid contrast to the upbeat green. I open the gate and lead myself away to my destination, kneeling down in front of the cold, hard stone.

I sit in silence, finally letting the grief, guilt and sadness overwhelm me. I could've prevented all of this; I know that as my vision blurs, my tears rippling across my eyelids, dancing along my cheeks in an agonizing waltz; burning my already wet skin.

"I'm sorry." I sob out, my voice shaking. I hang my head in shame. I couldn't stop those premature deaths, I couldn't comfort Erwin... hell, I can't even understand what's going on inside my head any longer. Eren had been no less than my own son. But now, just like the previous figure, I'd failed him... let him down. 

"I'm sorry." I say again, letting my hands wander to graze across the sharp and painful letters carved into his demise. "I shouldn't have panicked, Eren... I should've planned for that." My tears seem to be burning holes into the earth below me as I weep endlessly, watching my own tears mix with the cold rain around me. 

I kneel down further, my meeting the softening ground as my forehead meets the hard stone above. "Oh god..." my shoulders shake, my cheeks streaked with pink. I lose ability to control my breath as I sob like a coward there, every moment crashing into me like the waves of a tsunami. "Damn it! I could've stopped this! I could've stopped all of this! No! No... Eren... please... please forgive me. I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry..." it goes on and on, the racking sobs, the burning skin, the aching pain and the transparent apologies keep flowing from my throat, uncontrollable. 

I mean every word I say, yet they sound as shallow as the puddles that are now forming upon the uneven stone in front of me. The naked truth stand stall and mighty; Eren Jaeger is dead. Petra Ral is dead. Jean is dead, Connie is dead. The people who I once called 'family' are all long gone. The hope for the future is dead and gone and the people who were to lead them quickly followed suit.

"I'm sorry."


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is short, but I had a need for slight fluff... <3

That night, as I come home to Erwin resting in our bunker, I kiss him in greeting as I sit down beside him, not bothering to remove my gear. 

"Erwin." 

"Hmm?"

"I want to give Eren a funeral... or some type of ceremony. It can just be you and me. I'd like us to go somewhere sometime and do something in his honor."

My hands in my lap, I stare at the wooden planks covering the floor. He looks at me for a ling while, and I can feel him calculating every tremor in my shaking hands, every flaw in my choked-up tone. 

"Levi." He finally says, running his fingers through my hair. I lean into his touch, closing my eyes in the warmth that surrounds me, and I relax a little. 

We stay silent a little while longer, laying back on the bed to wrap each other in an embrace. "Our day off is tomorrow. Let's go to the meadow out by the stalls and light a candle for him." I nod, burying my face into his chest, breathing in his familiar scent. "Thank you." I murmur, allowing my hair to recklessly fall into my face. 

Erwin chuckles, running his hands through my hair once more. When I glance up, I'm met with a welcome grin spread across his mouth, and I have the sudden urgency to kiss that mouth. I feel my heart skip a beat as his lips lock with mine, his arms moving to unfasten the uncomfortable harness and pull it off me, tossing it aside. 

"Erwin." I whisper, pulling him on top of me and wrapping my arms around his neck as his caress my sides, leaving a fire trace in their wake. His lips trail across my jaw to my neck, stopping to sweetly kiss the sensitive skin. My hand fisting I'm his hair, I turn my neck to allow him more access, my other hand gripping at his shirt. 

He kisses my mouth again, this time long and loving, stopping only to whisper my name. 

"Levi."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter gets legit, so be ready for when I get it uploaded. XD


	5. Chapter 5

the meadow is clear, the cloudy sky casting a hazy light across the plain. A warm breeze occasionally rustles the flower beds scattered like stars across the dewy grass. 

Erwin and I bear with us a candle-stick, alongside a letter written with my love. Eren's uniform jacket is lazily slung over my shoulder, it's morbid presence mocking me. 

My legs move numbly as I walk, dreamily gazing towards the little patch of rocks we walk to. Another gust of warm air settles across our cheeks, rustling our hair. We reach the stones, kneeling down... carefully placing the candle upon a larger rock. My stare rests blank upon the lonely candle sitting there... all alone and unlit. 

"Do you want to read it outloud?" Erwin asks gently, sitting down next to me and handing me the crumpled-up paper, "No." I state monochromatically, blindly taking the note in to my own hands, holding it close.

"Is he really gone?" I ask, already knowing the answer. "I'lm afraid so." A frown is evident in his tone, the sultry gravel raking across his vocal chords. I stay silent, the sting of tears blinding me. 

I place the paper upon the stone, weighting it with the dead candle. I neatly place the jacket nearby, slowly running my fingers over the emblem sewn on to the sleeve. That emblem was supposed to mean so much, was supposed to set us free... I suppose it had set Eren free.

I let my weight fall to my right, my body collapsing against Erwin. "His body... it didn't even look human." I begin to sob, my shaking fists clenching at his shirt. He stays silent, yet i feel a wetness fall to my cheek from above, his stoic face showing no evidence of a tear.

"I'm sorry, Levi." He whispers, his voice breaking at the sound. "I could've given better instruction." I can't stand to hear him blame himself, but I still sob as he holds me tighter, running his soft fingers through my hair. 

" He was like my son." I choke out, my voice cracking as if I, myself, am Erwin's child, crying onto his regal jacket; leaving the stains of my tears stretched in retched lines upon the worn fabric of our pride.

"I know... I know..." 

We stay there for a while; long enough for me to cry my last tears... long enough for those tears to dry upon my tired face.

 

As we left that day, a promise to return rests beneath our tongues, questioning if life's sorrowful being is to always stay as harsh... wondering if there would be another day for any of us.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We never did return to that meadow.

We never did return to that meadow.

Four years passed by the same way; fighting titans... more and more blood collecting on our hands; soiling our past and tainting our future. 

Eren never left my heart for a second. 

I'd think about that day I'd spent crying in the meadow, and wondered if I'd ever see that rock again.

The letter I wrote had seemed to be taken by the wind, and as the days got harder to manage, so did our time and energy.

All the titans were eventually defeated...

after the deaths of many:

Sasha Blouse  
Reiner Braun  
Annie Leonhard  
Bertholdt Hoover  
Edward Baker  
John Butler

Our victory had not been sweet, yet it had been a bitter one; full of remorse... full of the hearts and souls of the ones who died. 

No, our victory had not been even understood... 

eventually, a barren landscape had been laid out before us... the blood of fallen soldiers laying in puddles at our feet. 

We'd dropped our swords, and folded our wings of freedom... 

casting away all who were lost amongst the trees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wasn't quite sure how to start the next part of the story, so I did a time skip. A hint into the "future" is that it will involve and island, the ocean, armin crying, levi crying, erwin crying, and hanji crying... not necessarily at the same time...


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The snow had melted weeks ago, giving way to sprouts of green grass and blooming flower petals.

"Commander."

I step out of the cold spring breeze and into Erwin's warm office. The snow had melted weeks ago, giving way to sprouts of green grass and blooming flower petals.

"Rivaille."

"We only have three days 'till we leave, sir. Do you have any more orders for me?"

He looks up from his paperwork, hat's piles on his sturdy oak desk.

"Not at the moment... why don't to help Hanji? She's about to go round up the horses and make sure they're well for the journey."

He nods over at Hanji.

"Oh yeah! That is if you can even reach the reins, short stuff!"

She winks at me, smiling her bubbly smile. How she she manages to always seem to be our rock, the one who's never down or out... I may never know. Erwin nods, looking back at the masses of papers in front of him; pen in hand.

"We started the preparations early enough. We may even have a day or so of rest before departure."

He says.

"You sure you don't need some help all that jazz you've got going on there, commander?"

Hanji asks, eyeballing the three massive folders Erwin pulls from a drawer. He chuckles, shooting her his gorgeous smile.

"I think I've got it, glasses."

He winks at her, and my heart gives a flutter as I feel my cheeks go an embarrassing shade of pink. Erwin seems to notice as he loos over at me, staring me down in a way that seems to suggest that he is all knowing; that he can almost read my thoughts. I clear my throat, and Hanji wastes no time in pulling me out the door into the cool and breezy air.

"See you later, commander handsome!"

She says playfully. 

We hear his muffled laugh as the door slams shut behind us.

"Say, ravioli-"

"Can't you to stop with the nicknames?"

I say, pinching the bride of my nose mockingly as I hide the smile that peaks through.

"Nope! Never!"

She smiles brightly as she hits my playfully, and I can't help but let the smile off it's leash and onto my usually stoic features.

"So anyways... Armin's always talking about this mystical 'ocean' we're going to see! He's shown me those drawings he has in that book of his, and he seems so exited! You know what he told me? He told me that it's absolutely huge!"

Her arms extend, emphasizing her meaning; nearly knocking me over in the process.

"Why we're deciding to go to an island in the middle of it, I can't tell you, though! Armin says that the ocean covers most of the outside world! Oh, Levi... I can't believe we're finally free from the titans! If only I could've experimented more."

'Don't jinx it, Hanji."

I give her a pat on her shoulder.

"Aw c'mon, shorty! Lighten up! Good times are ahead... I can feel it!"

She then closes her eyes, and takes a long, deep breath. She looks sort of peaceful as she skips on ahead; twirling in circles, and laughing about a joke I cannot hear.She may be right... good times may be ahead. 

If only Eren could be here to witness his dream come true, instead of dying at the hands of the very things he sought to kill for so long. I suppose that may the greatest irony of all; hearing him preach of a revolution... about a fire in which he lit the flame. He rambled on about a 'tomorrow' that never surfaced for him to see.

And Petra... so young. She never deserved to be so brutally ripped from us... from me. I loved her, once. I can attest to the fact that she was indeed my best friend. Unceremonious it may have been, I could almost hear her telling me not to fret. I could almost hear her telling me that sing her body as a useful tool would suffice to be more productive than simply burying her in the ground for more people to trample upon. I suppose she was right... a few more bodily bruises couldn't hardly hurt her then.

All of those who died at the mercy of the war of humanity and the titans deserved to see this day come, deserved to take witness to the freedom we may muster. And I remember Isabel... and Ferlen, and I urge myself to not think of things from the distant past.

"Levi!"

"What?"

"Why do you walk so slow?"

"Why do you walk so fast?"

"Probably because my legs are longer!"

"Oh, shut up!"

I finally catch up to her, entering the stables only a moment after her. Armin walks out with a bucket of water, smiling at us warmly.

"Hey, Lance Corporal... Hanji."

He nods at us both, pouring the water into an empty troph.

"Hi!"

Hanji says as I give him an acknowledging gaze.

"Okay, guys. Let's get to work."


	8. Chapter 8

The hills seem to stretch endlessly, looking as if a thin blanket of green grass, moss, and trees should cover the whole earth in their warm embrace. The clatter of the wheels and horses stomping on the packed grounds fill our ears for mile upon mile, blending in to our conscious and leaving a ringing whenever they stopped. It seems as though the world came from a novel; it's mountain ranges, lakes, flowers, forests, rivers and wildlife almost too beautiful to be true.   
This is as far as we've gotten in any expedition, ever... perhaps even five times as far, and there is no proof that the map we turn to has any validity at all. We are forging a new map as we explore, half the group splitting up along the way to colonize the west as the rest colonize the east. The imagery of seeing the ocean at night, to sit by the pushing tide, seems like a magical inquisition, yet the anticipation greets the four of us awaiting that dream. Erwin told me once, that no dream is foul, and the only thing we can do, is believe that we will not regret the choices me make. I told this to Eren, in my own words... but the irony of it all is that I do regret the choice I made when I let Eren go.   
I've always been one to believe that everything has a purpose, a reason, for why it happens. They say that perhaps even the movement of a butterfly's wings could, in time, make a volcano erupt. I've stayed up until dawn on some nights, thinking of this metaphor, and how it could possibly relate to loss, and the choice that I now regret.   
\------------------------------------------------------------  
"Levi."  
Eren's face was calm, like a child's demeanor after the thunder storm had passed. I motioned for him to come over to where I was, and he sat with me under the tall oak tree.   
"What's bothering you, kid?"  
He was silent for a long time, as if he was trying to formulate the words into a sentence that could fathom the end of the world it's self.   
"I'm scared."  
He finally whispered, his head hanging low.   
"I'm scared that one of us is going to die, and leave the others to fight alone. I'm scared that the number of losses is already too great, and I'm scared that Armin won't see the ocean. I'm scared of losing him, and Mikasa... I'm scared of losing Erwin, because he'l, we can't do a damn thing without a commander. And I'm-"  
He trailed off, looking at me with his eyes watering with the clouds of emotions untold.   
"I'm scared of losing you.  
\------------------------------------------------------------  
I was scared to loose him, too. I was scared to loose anyone, then. Erwin reassured me time upon time upon time, until his words met my ears with a barred sound, as if I had built up walls as strong and high as Sina herself. I apologized to Eren countless times, hoping it would reach him from beyond the grave... but death is, and always will be a mystery that even I cannot fathom into complete thoughts of rationality.   
And maybe, in another life, I shall meet his persona again... but until the day that I perish, I have made a promise not to give up, and to not regret the things I have done, and the choices that I have made. I have made a promise not to resent... not to decay away the words I have said. For words cannot be taken aback, and as much as we may pretend, actions cannot either. I have made a promise to tread on heavy waters.   
"Levi."  
Erwin's voice knocks me away from my subconscious tethering, grabbing my limp hand as he pulls me away from my minute self-destruction and pity. I look up from the tree I sit under, knowing that he short rest is over and that we shall continue our tread onwards.   
"Erwin."  
I say his name for thrills, with no reason other than that I love him, and that he is my tightrope, he only fragile thing I can walk across to get to the other side of the valley of life; a long, deep cavern stretching below me, threatening to swallow me whole if not for that thread.  
He pulls me upward, looking down at my full height. His gaze is soft and inviting, like a beacon that calls an army home. I stare back stoically, not wishing for him to pull his hand from my grasp. His fingers are warm against the cool air of spring, their loving touch caressing my own.   
"Is there something bothering you?"  
I feel an emotion starting to boil in my gut, like a cauldron full of life that should not exist. And I want to tell him that there is something awfully wrong. I want to let him know of the sadness, anger, guilt and passion that is mixing within me. I want to scream at him that even though I seem okay, that everything is not fine! Nothing is fine! Nothing is right, and I want to yell at him for not noticing my pain and trying to help me out of the fear of falling into the cavern below me!  
But I simply stand still, no hint of emotion playing on my features. I know that none of this frustration and despair are his fault, and I know that I love this man more than all else... yet he is the one in which I can rest my fears. I suppose that that fact is not a fair one, and that is why he can rest his on to me.   
"No."  
I reply, looking to the ground and gently pulling my hand from his. He looks at me sadly, as if he knows, yet he is conflicted in the ways of human emotion.   
"You know that I don't believe that one bit."  
"I know."  
"Levi.. you cannot expect a journey like this to come easily to anybody."  
"I know. It's not that."  
"Then please talk to me."  
His eye are pleasing as he whispers to me, stepping closer in the breezes of spring meeting summer.  
"Erwin, I-"  
"Please."  
He cups my face in his hands, caressing my imaginary tears away with his thumb.   
"I don't know why the hell I'm still here."  
I say after a long silence, my voice almost failing me.   
"After everything... I just don't think that I am worthy of still living, when people worth so much more have died in my place... under my law and protection, entrusting their lives to me."  
His expression is unreadable. His voice is heavy with an emotion that I cannot decipher.   
"You're worth so much more to me, Levi."  
He walks away.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> awe gawsh sorry for the late update ;-; <3 will try to keep up from now on

I lay with my back to the ground, finally settling in to the nights calmer air. Erwin lays beside me in the old, worn out tent.

"You're scared beyond belief, and I can tell."

My voice comes no louder than a whisper.

"I am."

He sighs, turning to face me and running his fingers warmly through my hair.

"Do you want to tell me more about that?"

I offer, shifting to face him as well.

"I would, but I'm not so sure where to start. Levi... everything just seems to overwhelming."

"That's a start."

He chuckles.

"I suppose it is... but I really shouldn't worry you."

"Well I'm the one who asked."

He nods slowly in agreement before moving closer to me in the tent.

"Are you cold?"

He asks, draping his sturdy arm around me.

"A little."

I whisper back, sliding a hand under the cool covers to rest upon his chest. I feel safe with Erwin. I feel like I can be myself without the stoic demeanor I insist on displaying in the uncomfortable rays of the beating sun. Erwin inspects me, now... as if he is trying to hypothesize or diagnose something. His fingers roam the length of my neck, then down to my collarbone, the feather-light touch making a shiver dance its' way up my spine.

I close my eyes as I feel his warm lips press against mine as he pulls me even closer. My arms slide across his torso as my legs entangle with his, eliminating the arduous space between us. I allow his tongue to brush against mine, my free hand fisting in his hair in a bout of passion as I shift my weight onto him, straddling his hips. 

I do my best to comfort the man, softly caressing his neck with my fingers before kissing wherever they touch, lightly running my tongue over the soft flesh.

"Hmmm... Levi."

I slowly unbutton his shirt. His arms wrap around me protectively as I give his collarbone another sloppy kiss. He lifts his head to nip my my neck as he sits up. 

It's my turn to whimper out his name as he runs a hand under my shirt. My arms tighten around his neck as I hang my head against his shoulder, feeling his mouth work feverishly against my skin, and a shiver makes its' way up my warming spine.

I begin to feel warmer, despite the cold air as I press against him, running my fingers through his hair lovingly. My eyes are closed as I feel his lips touching every inch of my neck. Each time he gives a kiss, lick or bite I feel a warmth spread through the rest of my body, making my whole being become warm and content. I have him now, and forever, as I hold him here in the thickening air.

"Erwin."

I whisper into his ear, nipping at his earlobe. 

"Hmm?"

He begins to unbutton down my whole shirt, slowly slipping it off of my shoulders. 

"I don't want you to be afraid anymore."

He stops to look at me.

"What do you mean?"

He murmurs, his face mere inches from mine.

"I mean I'm here, and the titans are gone, so whatever you need for support... that's my job."

I whisper back, my fingers now laces behind his back as his hands trace up and down my thighs. He leans in for a kiss that is soft and gentle, loving in a way only he knows how. I press my body to him as he pulls away, resting my head on his chest.

"Thank you, Levi."

Is his reply, and I can hear the vibration of his speech through his chest as he talks, breathing in deeply.

In the comfort of his arms I begin to relax more and more.

"Kiss me again, Levi."

And my heart beats faster as I lean up again, planting a passionate kiss onto his lips, as if I am trying to drink up his words. My heart bursts with that feeling as I kiss him again and again.  
And this time, the words do not evade me.

"I love you."


	10. Chapter 10

The hills seem to stretch endlessly, looking as if a thin blanket of green grass, moss, and trees should cover the whole earth in their warm embrace. The clatter of the wheels and horses stomping on the packed grounds fill our ears for mile upon mile, blending in to our conscious and leaving a ringing whenever they stopped. It seems as though the world came from a novel; it's mountain ranges, lakes, flowers, forests, rivers and wildlife almost too beautiful to be true. 

This is as far as we've gotten in any expedition, ever... perhaps even five times as far, and there is no proof that the map we turn to has any validity at all. We are forging a new map as we explore, half the group splitting up along the way to colonize the west as the rest colonize the east. The imagery of seeing the ocean at night, to sit by the pushing tide, seems like a magical inquisition, yet the anticipation greets the four of us awaiting that dream. Erwin told me once, that no dream is foul, and the only thing we can do, is believe that we will not regret the choices me make. I told this to Eren, in my own words... but the irony of it all is that I do regret the choice I made when I let Eren go. 

I've always been one to believe that everything has a purpose, a reason, for why it happens. They say that perhaps even the movement of a butterfly's wings could, in time, make a volcano erupt. I've stayed up until dawn on some nights, thinking of this metaphor, and how it could possibly relate to loss, and the choice that I now regret. 

\------------------------------------------------------------

"Levi."

Eren's face was calm, like a child's demeanor after the thunder storm had passed. I motioned for him to come over to where I was, and he sat with me under the tall oak tree. 

"What's bothering you, kid?"

He was silent for a long time, as if he was trying to formulate the words into a sentence that could fathom the end of the world it's self. 

"I'm scared."

He finally whispered, his head hanging low. 

"I'm scared that one of us is going to die, and leave the others to fight alone. I'm scared that the number of losses is already too great, and I'm scared that Armin won't see the ocean. I'm scared of losing him, and Mikasa... I'm scared of losing Erwin, because he'l, we can't do a damn thing without a commander. And I'm-"

He trailed off, looking at me with his eyes watering with the clouds of emotions untold. 

"I'm scared of losing you.

\------------------------------------------------------------

I was scared to loose him, too. I was scared to loose anyone, then. Erwin reassured me time upon time upon time, until his words met my ears with a barred sound, as if I had built up walls as strong and high as Sina herself. I apologized to Eren countless times, hoping it would reach him from beyond the grave... but death is, and always will be a mystery that even I cannot fathom into complete thoughts of rationality. 

And maybe, in another life, I shall meet his persona again... but until the day that I perish, I have made a promise not to give up, and to not regret the things I have done, and the choices that I have made. I have made a promise not to resent... not to decay away the words I have said. For words cannot be taken aback, and as much as we may pretend, actions cannot either. I have made a promise to tread on heavy waters. 

"Levi."

Erwin's voice knocks me away from my subconscious tethering, grabbing my limp hand as he pulls me away from my minute self-destruction and pity. I look up from the tree I sit under, knowing that he short rest is over and that we shall continue our tread onwards. 

"Erwin."

I say his name for thrills, with no reason other than that I love him, and that he is my tightrope, he only fragile thing I can walk across to get to the other side of the valley of life; a long, deep cavern stretching below me, threatening to swallow me whole if not for that thread.

He pulls me upward, looking down at my full height. His gaze is soft and inviting, like a beacon that calls an army home. I stare back stoically, not wishing for him to pull his hand from my grasp. His fingers are warm against the cool air of spring, their loving touch caressing my own.

"Is there something bothering you?"

I feel an emotion starting to boil in my gut, like a cauldron full of life that should not exist. And I want to tell him that there is something awfully wrong. I want to let him know of the sadness, anger, guilt and passion that is mixing within me. I want to scream at him that even though I seem okay, that everything is not fine! Nothing is fine! Nothing is right, and I want to yell at him for not noticing my pain and trying to help me out of the fear of falling into the cavern below me!  
But I simply stand still, no hint of emotion playing on my features. I know that none of this frustration and despair are his fault, and I know that I love this man more than all else... yet he is the one in which I can rest my fears. I suppose that that fact is not a fair one, and that is why he can rest his on to me. 

"No."

I reply, looking to the ground and gently pulling my hand from his. He looks at me sadly, as if he knows, yet he is conflicted in the ways of human emotion. 

"You know that I don't believe that one bit."

"I know."

"Levi.. you cannot expect a journey like this to come easily to anybody."

"I know. It's not that."

"Then please talk to me."

His eye are pleasing as he whispers to me, stepping closer in the breezes of spring meeting summer.

"Erwin, I-"

"Please."

He cups my face in his hands, caressing my imaginary tears away with his thumb. 

"I don't know why the hell I'm still here."

I say after a long silence, my voice almost failing me. 

"After everything... I just don't think that I am worthy of still living, when people worth so much more have died in my place... under my law and protection, entrusting their lives to me."

His expression is unreadable. His voice is heavy with an emotion that I cannot decipher. 

"You're worth so much more to me, Levi."

He walks away.


	11. Chapter 11

"Good luck."

Yet another group departs from us, waving their last known goodbyes to us through the tress. We continue to walk, the foot of the mountain mere meters away from us.

"What do we do once we reach the mountain, commander?"

Hanji's voice is nervous, her eyes scanning the forested rock ahead.

"We cross it. There's no use in side-tracking it."

"I see."

She frowns, clearly full of anxiety regarding the trip ahead. I suppose I can understand, though. The boldness of this entire trip has blown many minds and broken many bones.

We make camp at the base of the mountain, the sounds of crickets chirping and firewood cracking under the heat of the flames filling the air. We breathe in the smoke willingly, embracing the musty scent of leaves and moss underneath us. Through the darkness the moon shines bright upon us, casting unearthly shadows across our faces.

"Rose rose rose rose,  
will I ever see thee wed?  
I will marry at my will sire,  
at my will."

Hanji begins to sing the haunting verse, her voice now melodic... clean and crisp through the chilled air. 

"Ah poor bird,  
take thy flight,  
high above the sorrow,  
of this sad night."

One by one, the rest join in. Even Erwin cannot resist the familiar haunting tune. This is the hymn of the dead, sung in honor of any fallen soldiers at the end the battle. Children and adults alike know the tune, and both succumb to the ominous melody when there is nothing left to hope for.

"Yo ho nobody home.  
Meat nor drink nor money have I none.  
Still I will be merry.  
Yo ho nobody home."

I do not let me voice out, I still sit with my mouth closed tight as they end the last verse, the notes dancing along an imaginary breeze.

"You have a lovely voice, Levi."

Says Hanji, noting my musical absence from the scene. I smile softly, looking into the flames of the fire. The heat dances and pulls at the ground, wanting to be set free so it may wreak havoc on all it encounters. Yet it still struggles silently, knowing that if it were to burst from it's incarceration, it would simply flee... and be snuffed out by a strong gust of wind.

"Thank you, Hanji. But I don't sing."

My smile faded, I reply. I want to tell her the complete truth. I want to proclaim that I am like this fire... willing to let go if only I would not hurt others. I want to tell her that the song is just too sad for me to bare, and that if I were to attempt to vocalize the melody, I would surely drown.


	12. Chapter 12

The sky is a bright blue; the kind of blue that hurts your eyes and makes your bones ache with the will to fly away. We've been struggling soundlessly throughout the small canyon, our feet leading up to the great mountain ahead. We had split with the last group in the morn, leaving only me, Erwin, Hanji, Armin, Elizabeth and Franklin.

To walk is our only melody... the only song our feet shall sing. We posses two wagons and three horses; our entire being left to rot if our only means of survival were to be destroyed. The air around us is misty and clean, eerily articulated like the calm before a storm.

Hanji mutters the tune from the previous night, sending my thoughts into a spiral of memories in which I have always intended to push down. Yet they stay on the tip on my tongue... and in the back of my lungs; waiting to burst through me in a scream. My hands turn to fists as I walk, and it seems as though her voice is echoing through my muddled mind... the notes only swimming through an ocean to reach me.

"Hanji... please."

I do not look at her as I utter this, my eyes glued to the ground I pass underfoot. I can feel Erwin's eyes on me as she stops singing, her cheerful demeanor not upset or hurt in the slightest. 

Erwin, ahead of me beforehand, slows his pace to match mine, walking alongside me.

"Levi. You need to talk at some point. I can't have one of my team members distracted."

He says it just loud enough for my ears, and a plethora of things my mind wants me to say echoes through my head. We both know full well that I am more than a comrade to him. We both know that he is trying to save me from the same fate that clutched Eren and the rest of the beaten-down soldiers. 

We both know that I am not going to talk.

So I stay silent, hoping that my gaze into his is enough to suffice for the rest of the way... praying that with a single look, he will know everything that I do. My eyes linger on his for a moment or two, my fists unclenching. I let my eyes open up, I let everything I know to be true come out with everything I don't; all my hopes and fears and dreams. I let everything resting behind my eyes linger in his for that brief moment, willing it to be enough to say the words that I cannot speak.

I do let his eyes reply as I disconnect mine, my gaze now glued to the canyon ahead.


	13. Chapter 13

And four months of vigorous traveling later, we near the place we thought would always be just beyond our reach.

"We should arrive by tonight, so be ready to document whatever important information you find. Though we can not send letters, it is important that we acknowledge every piece of new knowledge that is discovered."

Erwin commands on a fine, clear morning. The summer air is warm, and it almost seems to whisper 'almost there... almost there...' as we pack our camp up for, hopefully, the last time.

"No, no, no. See, it has been documented before that the moon's gravitational pull affects large bodies of water. The wind causes waves, yes... but at night, everything quiets and the stars take over. The ocean almost grows... the tide comes further into the shore and sweeps away anything the day had left."

Armin is telling Elizabeth and Franklin.

"Well how big are the waves, then?"

Elizabeth questions, and I can see the glint of happiness float across Armin's eyes at the opportunity to share this coveted knowledge with her.

"Some are very, very small... and others can destroy entire forests!"

He demonstrates this with an exaggerated gesture of his lanky arms, throwing his hands high into the air with the whoosh of his flannel shirt.

"Woah! Really?"

"Yes, really! They're called 'tsunami!'"

I can't help but a small, careful smile at his enthusiasm.

"Armin is a seeker of knowledge, isn't he?"

I look over to see Erwin watching me watch the three ahead of us as they are lost in their own world, and I move closer.

"He is."

Hanji is off to the side, a little behind the wagons as she plucks plants and flowers from bushes and tress along the 'path' we follow. Erwin and I stay silent for a while, enjoying the feel of the other beside us. I can hear him breathing and I know that he is alive. I feel my own lungs expand and contract and know that my heart is beating alongside his, and everything is alright. I breathe in and out slowly, my feet almost gliding along the earth after so many months of the soles of my boots connecting to solid ground. I can easily maneuver in amongst the trees and grasses, and I wonder if I still could do as much in a city filled with monsters.

\------------------------------------------------------------

Eight hours pass, and the damp earthy ground begins to become rough... brighter in color as the greenery seems to fall away. We come to a line of trees. We stop. We all know that this is it. This is the moment where our past and future collide; where the fear of armies melts away into the fear of the unknown. Armin steps forward, breathing in deeply.

"See that line of trees ahead?"

His voice sounds so small and unnatural as he refers to the tiny patch of forest that stretches out in to the horizon, the leaves blowing furiously on a breeze I cannot feel.

"That's the sea... right beyond them."

I expect him to start on the scientific explanation as to why it is there, and why it is so beautiful... but instead he stays quiet. Stepping through the tall grass tapering off at the edge of the wood. 

He looks like an angel all in white.

The way his hips move so comfortably seems to give us the courage to walk behind him as well, slowly and carefully feeling the ground. Erwin steadies me, putting a firm yet gentle hand upon my back. I can now taste that the air is salty, and the breeze has become something more like a song than just a tune. There is something on the ground by my feet. It is white and shiny and its surface is pearled with tan and blue stripes and dots: a seashell.

Armin notices it, too, and we all begin to walk a bit faster, finally hitting the edge of the trees. There is something moving beyond the dense shrubbery in front of us, and as wee carefully step through vines and flower petals the sun seems to become brighter. Everything seems to be a lovely shade of blue. The dirt below our feet becomes fine, white sand and Armin is the first to be graced with open-air.

For the first time in over 2,000 years, a human has set foot on a beach. Somewhere that used to have a name. Somewhere that was both old and new. Somewhere that existed before the titans appeared and everything was destroyed. Somewhere like I have never seen before.

A vast, blue body of moving water bobs and crests and flows before us. It stretches further than the eye can see, rounding off with the steady curve of the earth. I finally see the waves, and they are like everything and nothing; curving, foaming and flowing like the biggest river you've ever seen. Everything melts away as the hypnotizing ebb and flow pulls me in... until a pair of strong arms grip me.

Erwin is holding me, suddenly, and Hanji is laughing the happiest, most wanton laugh... her smile lighting up the sun and reflecting off the majestic waters. Elizabeth and Franklin are staring in awe, holind hand with Armin until he steps forward, his eyes glassy and his expression unreadably complicated.

I bury my face in Erwin's chest, fighting the urge to laugh just how Hanji is, now. My smile, I'm sure, is brazen and full of joy.

"We made it, Commander. We finally made it."

I mutter, and I wonder if that is the last time I will ever call him that.

I pull away as I turn my attention to the blinding blue. There are small, silent tears forming upon Armin's cheekbones, and I know exactly what he is thinking of... or, who, rather. And I take a moment to acknowledge his absence. Eren always wanted Armin to see the ocean. And I'm sure that he is watching us, from wherever he may be, with a grin to match ours.

I watch the blonde man in front of me as he pulls out a small, brass key from his pocket. He smiles sadly, draping the leather cord around his neck before taking a deep breath and looking out hopefully across the brilliant waters before us.

"It's beautiful, Eren... it truly is."


	14. Chapter 14

\------------------------------------------------------------

We made our home upon that speck of land; among the waves... the beach and sand... and among the wispy pines and fragrant flowers. We made our home here; under stars and willow branches. And we lived in peace for many a year. Hanji had a beautiful baby boy, and she named him Eren, in honor of our fallen hero. He grew to be healthy and strong, and when he was at the age of two, we ventured further and expanded our village.

Once the South side of the beach had been excavated, and a clearing made in the trees, we spotted an island a few miles out to sea. It was small... dainty, even. But it seemed to be calling to us... seemed to be warning us with its brooding stare. 

'Pay no mind. We have no boats nor vehicles of sea.'

Erwin had said. And I agreed.

The bond between Erwin and I grew tighter while packed together into that small clearing of land. We lived together in a small hut we built, and there was no hiding our formerly-secret relationship any longer. Everything was okay, in fact. Everything was right and whole again. We were safe.

And I was happy.

\------------------------------------------------------------

The campfire had dimmed long ago, yet Erwin and I stay fixed to where we sit beside it; even with everyone else gone and asleep. I could hear the waves gently licking at the shore, and it lulled my spirit into peace. I could smell the salt in the air and the musk upon Erwin's skin. I could feel him breathing against my back as I rest over his chest, my small body melting into him. We have been silent for a time, yet Erwin breaks it now as he speaks,

"It's so beautiful."

"Yes... you say this every day."

I know he hears the smile upon my lips.

"I just still can't believe how bright the stars are."

I shiver when his hands creep up my sides.

"They're brighter here... with you."

My breath catches in my throat when he turns me around to face him; my knees on either side of his broad frame. His arms snake around my waist as he pulls me closer into a soft and gentle kiss.

I kiss him back slowly, tenderly holding his strong jaw as I feel it drop to accommodate my tongue. I tilt my head, pulling him closer. My arms snake around his neck as I feel his come around my waist to hold me tightly. I pull away.

"Erwin."

My eyes are closed, but I feel him smiling close to me.

"Levi."

A strong gust of winds stirs my hair and ruffles the leaves all around us. I open my eyes to see that the sky has darkened into a cool, stormy night. It's beautiful... yet still my heart seems to sink in my chest.

"There's a storm."

I mutter.

"Don't worry. Rain won't fall until morning."

Erwin is a smart man, and so I trust him. I turn my gaze back to those searing, blue eyes of his and am instantly drawn back into a warm, soft mouth. My eyes flutter shut. I sigh against his lips.

His hands feel so strong and sturdy against me; as if nothing could harm me as long as I am held within their embrace. He pulls me closer; my chest now flush against his own. My fingers weave their way into blonde locks that shine like spun gold in the sunlight, and I kiss him harder until neither of us can breathe and we need to pull away.

My forehead still touching his, I pant heavily until my breathing slows enough to whisper to him again,

"Erwin, I love you."

"I know. I love you too."

I smile again, happy and content.

"Who would've ever thought that it would end like this?"

His fingers trace my spine and I shiver.

"It's not over yet."

My smile falters. I shush him,

"Shh... don't say that. Let me pretend that this is how it will stay."

He nods, nuzzling into my neck and gently kissing at my ear and throat. I lean into his touch in the quiet of the night; listening to the chirp of the crickets and the rustling breeze all around us.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I silently curse Erwin for leaving the cabin. His need to foster everything around him had turned sour with abandonment, and my gratefulness had quickly rotted away into some awful kind of fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for abandoning this... not that anyone really cares anymore - lmao. I've been busy with my SebaCiel pic, but I'm back and ready to finally finish this. My writing had improved, so I hope you'll give me a chance.

Bold, black waves. 

That’s all I can see for miles. Rain pounds down harshly upon the sand, painting it soft and pliable in places; easy to step into. I can hear nothing over the roaring of the wind as the tempest refused to clear a path to see. I cover my eyes with my hand, refusing to give up my search.

“Erwin!”

I can scarcely hear my own voice over the unrelenting storm, its unforgiving fist vicing the sky with anger and malice. 

“Hanji!”

We had been unprepared from the start. It was as if we were the first humans to step foot on land, being forced to relearn life its self within the unkempt terrains of the outside world. Walls had protected us, perhaps… but maybe they had done more harm than good.

My heart seizes in my chest with each beat, panic overwhelming my senses even as the wind becomes colder and the rain becomes hard hail above me. My eyes focus, searching for blonde hair… glasses tossed away by the sea. I find nothing, even through my slow trek through the grass and seaweed beneath me. 

I silently curse Erwin for leaving the cabin. His need to foster everything around him had turned sour with abandonment, and my gratefulness had quickly rotted away into some awful kind of fear. They had left to rally up the other camps, which were nestled barely half a mile away, and I was sure I had walked that far. It’s always hard to tell at night, but my lamp hadn’t been able to hold up against the storm, and even if I had been standing just atop the next camp, I was sure there would have been nothing left of it to salvage. One rested neatly upon the sand, the other had been situated amongst rocks; a hard place to land when the ocean decided to swallow you whole.

We had been lucky to be sheltered by trees, to have built our shelters out of broken willow trunks.

I have never seen a storm like this, not in the many years we had been here, and it was unnerving; titans footsteps shrieking across the water… the wrath of unknown lands invading our brains and forcing the resurgence of dormant fears. I scanned the rocks again, and the only shapes I could make out were hard, jagged rocks and misty air. The moon was my only source of light, and it was clouded and gray. Tentatively, I climb atop the nearest pile of slipped up earth, desperate for that honeyed voice… a commanding hand rested upon my shoulder. I find neither, and my ears ring with a familiar loss I had once thought of as gone.

I refuse to let the thought of him die, and so I make my way down to golden sand once more, calling out even through my rough, tired voice… thick with hours of screaming out for something that most would have given up on,

“Erwin!”

It is useless to send off a flare. Even if I could get it to light, it wouldn’t be able to be seen through the fog in the air and the unending flurry of hail and agitated sand.

I hear a rumbling, just beyond the shoreline, and the sky grows heavy and dark. Shielding my eyes against the sabotage of weather, I look out across the furious ocean to see pitch black. No stars, no moon… only a tsunami wave. Panic seizes me once more, and I desperately scurry up the rocks only to slip over a foothold and loose my balance onto the cold sand below me.

“Argh!”

I cry out, hands slipping over twigs and branches, reaching out for purchase. I attempt to stand, but I find that I cannot. My ankle is twisted, and I can barely hoist myself up over the bay before I am swept up into cold, salty sea… embraced by the night and hitched up against something hard which cracks on impact, and my vision grows darker as I gasp for air… reach out into nothing and I am lost. The sky grows black until there is nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's so short. Don't panic - I needed to get this moving so I can finish it finally.


End file.
